This is Going to Show a Post Date of A Long Time Ago Because Blogspot is Haaawhack

I've been working on this post a long time, really reaching into the depths of my suckiness to fully flesh out the sucky things about me that I want to change. I've narrowed it down to: pathetically limited interests; money hoarding; bad babysitting; and not living for today whilst dreading the future.

First off, limited interests. I desperately need a new passion/activity. I thought of knitting, then remembered my attempts at crocheting at Explo in 2000 and what turned into a line of knots. Yes, a line of knots instead of a potholder. Not even two lines of knots. One. Then there's pilates, which I'm fairly good at already thanks to Mari Windsor DVDs (I find focusing on her one eye that is larger than the other helps ward away other distractions. I am mean.), but why not take a class, improve, get constructive criticism, MAKE NEW FRIENDS? Oh, hehe that's right, my gigantic, keeps-me-awake-at-night ginormous phobia of farting or queefing in public. So I thought, why not immerse myself in learning to appreciate poetry? As long as I don't become a Poetry Douche, I could really grow as a person and an intellectual. I could be someone smart people want to talk to. So I bought a book of Pablo Neruda love poems and found my dusty old copy of an Emily Dickinson book I got as an award for being a great English student in high school (anyone else seeing the irony?). And away I go! Let's see how long this lasts...

Suckiness Correction #2. While I don't consider myself stingy and I'm a grrrrrr8 (!!) tipper, I'm a total money hoarder when I'm the only person involved. Does that make sense? Meaning I'll always contribute at least what I owe in a group function, but if it's just me sitting at my desk at work, damn straaaight I'm brown baggin' it and delighting in my savings, clawing through my gold like Scrooge McDuck with golden dollar signs gleaming in my eyes. So my first goal in reducing my lame tightwad-ness is "treating" myself to lunches more. Like $5 foot longs and fast food tacos. Really breaking the bank. But it's a start.

Additionally, I'm often a terrible babysitter. How so? I will play with the child the bare minimum amount, all while dreaming of the food in the fridge and cabinets that I'll forage into when the kiddles go to sleep. Case and point: Last June I was sitting in San Diego and I noticed a coconut cream pie in the fridge. Her parents had made me promised I'd 'help them out' and eat some. Encouragement from parents to binge? Ohhhhh hollermygoodness. So by the girl's bedtime I was actually seeing her as a walking, talking coconut cream pie: that's what a sucky (and err...food obsessed?) sitter I can be. Oh, and also I'm texting a lot. A looot. But I'm changing! I will now vow to earn what I make through quality educational play with the kids! And let's be honest who's really texting me??

I also need to focus on living for today. Case in point, my thoughts of "I really don't want to get sucked into wedding planning and have it be this huge thing in my life. Then when the wedding's over I'll feel really empty and useless and who wants that?" So rather than letting myself enjoy things, I find myself distancing from the process in order to avoid feeling sad later. Other similar thoughts: "Why is she dating a guy 20 years older than her? Doesn't she know men die around 7 years before women? Why is she setting herself up for even MORE heartache?" I don't think like a normal person and this needs to stop.

So dear friends and readers, if you notice these traits surfacing, smack me over the head with a breadstick and convince me to change. Then dip that breadstick in olive oil and eat it menacingly in front of me while I cry inside. Punishment enough!