Gosh my feelings are tasty!

I got a not-so-good grade on a paper and yesterday a fat kid called my presentation lame and pointless and I have a zit on the underside of my chin just about where it meets neck so every time I scrunch up my face to make a double chin it hurts- you may ask yourself, then why do you continue to scrunch up your face to make a double chin? Because I am a masochist, that is why- and my supervisor is mad at me and I can't do origami. So I eat.

Anyhoo, in an effort to make myself feel a little less pathetic, I thought I'd take a moment here to list all my hair-brained moneymaking schemes, because with the exception of Scraps, they're not half bad. Maybe someone will find this entry and pay me millions for my brilliant ideas. OR steal them and never show me a cent. The chances I take to entertain my reader. That's not a typo.

Scraps: My first idea, from high school, is a restaurant called Scraps. The main area is a typical Fridays/Applebees type of restaurant, but then there's a secondary section where people can eat the leftovers from the main section at a drastically reduced price. So if Jen in the main dining room leaves half her chicken club on the plate, she can then essentially 'sell it back' and get a buck or two off her check, and then the restaurant can then put that half sandwich on the buffet on the scraps side and sell it for like, 2 bucks. Reduces waste, right!! Scrap side patrons would understand that the restaurant holds no liability for what could have happened to the food between its exit from the kitchen to its place on the buffet line. YES I now see this as completely ridiculous. BUT I came up with this idea late in high school when the dream was to have some place to go when drunk where you could eat incredibly cheaply and still enjoy the ambiance of a fine dining establishment such as one T.G.I. Fridays. Also good for families on a budget and those with exceptional immune response.

The Cleaner Weiner: Women have a plethora of products to choose from to help cleanse if they're not feeling "so fresh." Men got nada. And if all that 'adjusting' means anything, things get moist and funky down there. So I invented the Cleaner Weiner, scent-free, discreet wipes that get the job done just for men who want to feel their best. They can also come in scents like Rugged Outdoors or Extreme Glacier or whatever sells for men.

Bibs that tie at the neck AND waist: The 9-month-old I babysit for has this frustrating habit of lifting up his bib to gnaw on it in the micro-second breaks I take putting the spoon back into the food to give him more. So since he's a baby and literally can't breathe without spitting up/drooling/pooping on me, naturally his bib is a mess, and it smears all over his face and neck when he goes to chew on it. My invention is a bib that fastens around the neck like traditional bibs, but also tight around the waist so he can't lift it out of position. I think my original idea- strapping babies' arms in a device slightly resembling stocks to keep them from touching anything- might be considered abusive.

A bar that serves healthy 'bar' food: Why is it that sports bars have an impressive selection of wings, greasy chili, cheese fries, greasy chili cheese fries, chicken fingers, jalapeno poppers, etc. but the only remotely healthy option is something like "grilled seasonal vegetable platter," and we all know that's just two strips of sad-looking zucchini and a defrosted eggplant segment, and you just look ridiculous ordering that in a sports bar. You're now the "watching her weight" girl who can't "loosen up" at a sports bar and you look like the most unfun person ever and your friends resent you for bringing down the fun/festive/bingey mood. So my dream sports bar has stuff like this on the menu: mini pizzas with veggies and not a lot of cheese; grilled buffalo chicken tenders; baked fries and onion rings, etc. Because you want to look like you fit in at this kind of place, while not totally obliterating your diet goals.

The baby food diet: I feed Luke (and his nose, eyeballs, hairline...see above) Earth's Best organic baby food. I sometimes snag a bite. Because it's delicious. A whole jar of that mush is like, 70 calories. They sell for around 50-75 cents a pop. They are filled with nutrients, vitamins, and no artificial flavors or preservatives. You know, filled with the ideal stuff to take babies through the most important developmental stages of their lives. So let's put this together. Here we have a self-contained, CHEAP, organic snack that's tasty, healthy, and portable. This new diet will be called The Marko Method and I will get rich.

Le end.