I <3 Fat Kids

So I was watching my girl Oprah last week, and it was her (annual? Semi annual?) Fat Teens Get Therapized show. Grotesquely overweight teens got to stand on a stage yelling "I HATE ___ (fill in the blank: "How you think my weight is your fault, Mom!" "How I'd rather die than be overweight!" etc etc)!" Then she asks, in her sage Oprah way, "What are you REALLY hungry for?" and bam, instantly, they're like "Oh, companionship. Perhaps some real love. Maybe some intellectual fulfillment."

You know what, Opes? I think that's a load of crap. Here is how our conversation would go if you came to visit me:
Allie: I HATE HOW HARD IT IS TO OPEN MY JAR OF GRAPE JELLY!
Oprah: Allie, stop, and remove your hand from that box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What do you think you're REALLY craving? Love? Acceptance?
Allie: You're right. It's Mexican food. Not cereal.
Oprah: No, no, what are you truly HUNGRY for? What are your emotional needs that aren't being met?
Allie: Well, some chili always warms the soul. Mmm...rich and meaty.
Oprah: You have to be wanting SOMETHING DEEPER!! Maybe someone telling you they love you just the way you are!
Allie: God dammit Oprah, I don't have fucking emotional problems, I just love to eat!

(Oprah pauses, realizes some snarky short white girl just totally shut her up with Honest to Goodness Logic, and the show cuts to a commercial for her Thursday show, where she will be talking with That Woman Who Left Her Baby in the Car followed by Revisiting That Family That Had to Live Without The Internet For A Week. Later, Allie and Oprah enjoy a hearty feast of chicken enchiladas together. Followed by baked ziti. And pudding. And her paying off my graduate school tuition.)

Because seriously Oprah advisers, we don't have to get so freaking analytical about this. Fat kids may be eating for emotional comfort. But they're also eating because FOOD TASTES AMAZING. And they're fat because they don't have as much willpower as other kids do. Or as many physical extra curriculars. Or "a thyroid problem." But dammit Oprah, stop telling me that I'm craving a goddamn hug because I can't physically walk around my apartment without coming into the kitchen every 6 minutes to eat Wheat Thins.