This one doesn’t garner me much public favor, but I seriously hate it when you go to a restaurant and there’s so many amazing choices your mind boggles itself into a brain knot of orgasmic wonder, but the person you’re with gets the most basic thing.
Examples: California Pizza Kitchen- so many delicious options I’d need 3 hours and the materials to make a pro/con list before making my choice- I went with someone who got a PLAIN PIZZA. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah I get it, it’s CPK, not some gourmet pizzeria- so it’s exactly the right place to get a pizza smothered in chipotle black beans and monterrey jack with guacamole on top! You can get plain pizza at your friendly neighborhood Little Caesar’s. CPK choices are a treat and a fun experiment and when people puss out on their ordering I get irrationally angry. And I mean irrationally angry. As in, I want to rip your head off and put on Joe’s steel-toed boots and kick you in the crotch so hard you pee out your belly button. This is also how I feel about people who hate Christmas and don’t think chubby babies are cute.
Cheesecake Factory- 789,345,000 varieties of cheesecake. If you order plain cheesecake, I will put you on my hit list. (Also, if you go to The Cheesecake Factory, and a) don’t plan on even getting dessert or b) God forbid order something other than cheesecake, consider yourself defriended in the Facebook of LIFE. Is it called The Carrot Cake Factory? Jesus).
Legit authentic and good places- Maddie dated a guy and they went to this authentic empanada place, where he ordered a beef and cheese empanada. Are you serious? I get perhaps even angrier in this situation- get the stuff unique to that country, that you might not get to try again, asshole! You want a meat and cheese combo, wuss? Go to fucking Chilis. And on your way don’t look both ways before you cross the street.
I know I take this a little too far, that some might think it odd to want to try the pizza with 7 types of artisinal cheese and mushrooms, duck fillet, roasted peppers and herbs de provence on it. Perhaps the double chocolate chip cookie dough peanut butter cup cheesecake with caramel drizzle and flambéed bananas is sweet-tooth overload. But I’m the kind of person who will literally stay up at night with regret over what I didn’t order, and it's better to have chinese pizza-induce runs than wonder about the CPK choice that got away...
Oh and I understand that with the examples I use I sound remarkably uncultured and in no way able to make an informed opinion, YET I use those because they have a spectacular diversity of options which makes it even worse to go plain. Go Creative Or Go Home. Or I WILL kick, kick, kick your butt, all the way to Pizza Hut, where I’m sure you’ll order a plain pie and get a pre-made Caesar at the salad bar. Death.
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