People Who Are Rich and I Don’t Know How: Seal

(Real Simple Weddings is sitting on my couch mocking me, because my life continues down the spiral staircase of Real Buttfucking Complicated Weddings. That's my meal ticket, boys and girls. I will write a book on how to survive- oh wait, and thrive!- planning a wedding complicated by the Navy, weather, massive families, parents with big plans, two religions, two parties and a bride who doesn't want to spend any money.)
Ok enough of THAT nOizZ. Today's entry, commence!
Seal is rich. Even before he married Heidi Klum, man had the cheddar. Why this is will always astound me.
1) He made a bunch of songs, yes. Those classic tunes that you find yourself humming to on the radio before realizing it and changing the station immediately. “No we’re never gonna surviiiiiive unlessss we get a little crazy GAH CHANGE IT!” But I can’t think of anyone who would actually purchase a Seal CD. Since the people I know represent a fairly good cross section of humanity, allow me to extrapolate and say that Seal has never actually sold his music.
2) Nobody sees Seal in concert. Because he has 5 songs. And concerts need to last more than 43 minutes, encore of “Don’t Cry” included. Why doesn’t anyone see Seal? Go stand in front of a mirror, say, “Oh, sorry Jen, I can’t go out tonight, I already have tickets to see Seal in concert.” See what happens. Chances are you’ll laugh. Or your mirror will crack. And Bloody Mary will come out like in that scary story Christina Jorge told all the time in second grade that still gives me nightmares.
3) Seal recently performed at Valley View Casino, which is one step away from Happy Glen Retirement Home.
4) (What is Seal’s actual name? Does Heidi call him Seal? OHGODTHEQUESTIONS!!!)
But I’m pretty sure I might have figured it out. No, Seal didn’t help out Jafar, find the genie in the mysterious sand cavern of gold and wish for monetary success. He takes part in Google SEO advertising. Awhile back I wanted a synopsis of a show I’d missed the night before, so I typed in “What happened” and before I could even get to “on The Secret Life of the American Teenager”- NOT ASHAMED- it filled in the blank with “What happened to Seal’s face?!” Ok, so maybe I’ve stayed awake wondering how he got his soulful facial scars. But my weird thoughts are BY NO MEANS representative of the world as a whole. All I can surmise is that Seal pays a small sum to have that come up first on Google, so everyone goes “Oh yeah, what DID happen to Seal’s face?” and then it’s pay per click advertising or whatever so it stores a record of clicks, and Seal’s management gives those stats to radio stations, saying, “People are so fascinated by Seal. We need to continue giving him airtime heavily from 10am-2pm.” And that, my friends, is how Seal is rich. Because the proceeds from “Kiss From A Rose” can only go so far…