Pretty high on the shit list are germaphobes. They clearly think they’re better than everyone and need to protect their pristine Brahman selves from us Untouchables. And by doing so, they make life worse for everyone. First off- if there is visible pee or other grotesque findings on the seat, by all means squat, paper the shit out of the can, whatever makes you happy. But otherwise, why the fuss, germaphobes? Are you seriously that terrified of…gasp…other peoples’ back-of-thigh germs? I don’t get that at all. The backs of my thighs remain fairly clean throughout the day, I think. No crevices mean no place for sweat to collect. No orifices mean no leaking of fluids. Being covered by clothing all day means no random contact with unsuitable items (well, a hot day on the subway in shorts comes to mind, but I’m in San Diego, so come on). Do people actually think I while away my afternoons dumpster diving and rubbing my prized findings on the backs of my thighs? Getting naked and shimmying up against the used tissue pile at a local nursery school? But germaphobes don’t think that way. They imagine the cloud of poopy fog settling onto the seat post-flush. Well guess what, asshole: that cloud is all over the entire fucking stall. So unless you walk in wearing a mechanism suitable for handling nuclear waste, you’re being germily raped, so get over yourself. Oh, and the whole flushing the toilet with your foot thing. Dear Lord, do you think that people can’t wipe themselves, and have poop smeared all over their hands, which naturally gets on the handle? More importantly, you are undoubtedly heading right over to the sink, if you’re any real germaphobe. In that 7-second walk to the sink are you THAT afraid you might accidentally stick your finger in your mouth or retina? So now I, the non-germaphobe, have to walk to the sink with my poop-smeared hands AND your bottom-of-shoe germs, because you’re so fucking superior. See? They DO make life worse for everyone else!
I had a one-time babysitting engagement with a germaphobe mom’s adorable, still-untainted-by-his-mom’s-weirdness son. She had given birth the week before to another son and needed me to watch the 3-year-old, and had a 24-hour baby nurse for the infant so she could, probably, take 4 daily showers in Purell. Anyway, the kid got bored with his own books and toys and wanted to play with the baby’s much less fun little finger puppet things on a keychain-like mabobber. I figured he must be so creative, so imaginative, our morning together must have really brought out his genius. So we’re playing, and the mom comes in and is horrified, that’s right, horrified that we were playing with the baby’s toys. “I just cleaned them. Now I have to sanitize them all over again!” she lamented. Woe the fuck is I. Are you kidding, lady? This is why these pampered kids today are such pussies. People need exposure to germs to build immunity. Everyone knows this. In cave times (that’s what I call anything before like, 600 B.C. I took social studies classes on world civilizations each year for grades 4-12, but whatever. The only thing I retain is that there really was a civilization named “Ur” and how I always thought of how awesome it would be to NEVER have to remember where you’re from, because someone could ask and while you try to remember slash lie, you mumble “err…?” and they’re like “Oh cool my Aunt Linda lives there!”), yes, in cave times, children didn’t have Sleep Sacks and Purell dispensers attached to their Hannah Montana lunch boxes. They didn’t have LUNCH! They had “me got you deer meat at 4am you eat now or we all starve!” Wow I’m politically correct AND culturally sensitive. Anyway, suffice it so say, kids were “involved” with germs. And yet- shocker- we still have humans roaming the earth today. Unbuhleeeevabo! Now my hatred of germophobes might make it seem like I’m some petite, Forever-21 bedecked version of Pig Pen. Rest assured, I bathe daily and will lie awake at night wondering how many roaches are copulating in the dirty cracks of my kitchen that I forgot to clean a whopping two nights in a row. But seriously, now I have to go to an alley, find a homeless man, de-pants myself and rub up along his overcoat, then rub the backs of my thighs on your pillow. BRB!
Thank you SO much for writing this. I've always hated germophobes, but couldn't quite put into words why. This is the pefect rant.
ReplyDeleteYes it is a perfect rant! I hate the MFRS.
Deleteone of the anchors on the newscast i watch is a germophobe and it annoys me to no end.
ReplyDeletegood rant btw.
My mother is a germaphobe. We fight a lot, she doesn't trust me if i wash my hands or not after school.
ReplyDeleteI hate, hate, hate germophobes! They are the ones that get sick all the time and die before their time! Thank you for the article. It is great. I hate them to death!
ReplyDeleteIn fact anybody that is a germphobe, can't have as a friend.
ReplyDeleteI had these friends, they invited me to their house,When I got there they would not let me in until i took my shoes off and they had these stupid sanitized sandals you had to wear in the house. Shoot, Here i am with my beautiful outfit, wearing high heels and i had to take them off and these stupid sandals. I felt so humiliated.. never spoke back to them, ever, ever.
Fuck germophobes
My God your post had me bustin’ up laughing!! I feel like this and I am surrounded by an office with germophobs!!! One of my co-workers is an elderly lady and when the printer has a ton of print outs on it she does the finger lick thing. You know you lick your finger and thumb throw the papers so they separate easier. Well the whole office is up in a teasy about it. One of my co-workers asked for advice on how to address the issue with supervisors (yes they are this crazy about it). Here is what I told her in response.
ReplyDelete“As for as the actual offense it never bothered me that she did that and to be quite honest I think people are being hyper sensitive and critical. It is an old school thing; people use to always do it back in the day. I use to do it because I saw my mother doing it while going through mail and saw teachers do it when going through homework. I caught wind people freaking out about it and stopped. I think the modern day outlook of over sanitation is ridiculous people need to stop freaking out over germs. That's why people around her get sick all the time. They don't build up immunities. Notice MJ and I are almost never sick with viruses and infections or if I do get sick (with a cold or flu it lasts maybe days while everyone else is sick for weeks. We don't over sanitize crap. I wash my hands in the bathroom and all and whip off my desk, but I am not constantly covering my hands when opening doors and using faucets and washing them every time I touch something. Call me gross if you want but I don't live in a bubble and refuse to. I have been to Haiti 3 times, gone camping, ate dirt as a kid, when I was a kid walked barefoot. I think I had the flu maybe once! I got colds once a year if that. I never had a serious infection. I believe in being clean but completely sterile is ridiculous. People need to get over it and that's my opinion. Sorry if this seems like a harsh tangent but I am sick of people looking at me and her like we are pigs! Sorry I guess I am more of a nature girl then I am a city girl then I thought.”
Just wanted to pop in and say how utterly stupid and ignorant this post is ! LOL Somebody's bitter ! You would'nt be if you were'nt so darn dirty ! XD
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteI hate how self-proclaimed germaphobes make the grossest messes of all for the next guy while demonstrating to the world how "clean" they are.
My messages to germaphobes: Not sitting on the seat to pee is up to you--I'm lazy, I sit, (and like the author, unless I had a wound on the back of my thigh, I am not gonna worry about it) but if you pee on the seat becasue you won't sit on it, you dirty germaphobe, you need to wipe it off before you leave the satll. ditto with splashing water all over the sink, faucet, counter and soap dispenser--wipe it off with your beloved paper products before you leave the area.
If you get hair in the sink, wipe it out.
You pathetic people are so concerned about the messes and gorssness of other people, but you are the messiest and absolutley grossest people around.
At my job there is this trend in the ladies' room where there is alweays a wad of TP wedging the door of the sanitary product disposal box open. What the everloving F__K is THAT about?
The funniest one is the toilet paper draped over the cracks between the panels of the toilet stalls. Surely you cannot possibly think anyone in the ladies room is THAT interested in watching you go to the bathroom!
Dude, your a perfect example of a jerk that doesn't except anyone's problems! I'm a germaphobe. Do you know why? It's how my mind deals with all the terrible stress I deal and dealt with. People made fun of me and many many other things that I can't say and I don't wanna talk about. But all that aside, I have OCD! It's a health condition that is developed from extreme stress. You people will probably say "I have stress. Suck it up and grow up! We all have stress!" But you guys don't understand everybody's mind has a way of dealing with different kinds of stress. I'm not a head doctor. That's just what someone told me. And by the way, you think we can control our germaphobe problems when we can't!! We can't control it! Our minds pretty much absolutely spazzes out until we wash our hands or something! So stop being an annoying jerk and except people. What if I hated you and blamed you for making everyone's lives worse? We have feelings too! We are people like you! We just have a disorder. We are not a different species! And face it, everything would be terrible if we never wash our hands at all. If you were a germaphobe, you would feel like crap if you read your post!
ReplyDeleteOh ya by the way, you suck! And your a annoying asshole that don't except people and so are all of you agreed with him/her! You guys are just making our problems worse by making us feel like crap
ReplyDeleteSo basically you (and many commenters) thumb your noses and laugh at disgusting filth and deadly diseases that can attack you and increase your chances of getting really sick yes? You laugh and ridicule germaphobes, but you have no problem touching things that are without a doubt contaminated with lots of bad things. Most objects in the world have come into contact with fingers/hands that have been in noses, ears, and other orifices. That doesn't bother you correct? Hospitals are the filthiest places in the world. Restaurants are the filthiest places in the world. Hotels are also filthy places (many food workers going to the bathroom and not washing is probably higher than many think). All I will add is you've created great conversation here. I wish all of you good luck touching filth. He-He.
ReplyDeleteThe OP isn't saying people with OCD drive them nuts. They're not saying people who hate germs drive them nuts, everyone hates germs. They're saying people that overly dramatize anything involving germs drives them nuts. I fully agree. Some of you calling the OP gross don't realize there's such thing as good bacteria and bad bacteria. A person that constantly sanitizes everything kills the good bacteria. Also, your immune system needs to be exposed to certain amounts of bad bacteria in order for it fight serious illness later. Children with parents who refuse to let them get dirty & obsessively use purell is actually bad. What's worse is running to the doctor every time they get a little cough and feeding them antibiotics for it. I know a couple families that are like the above. There's always someone in their house that's sick. Not only that, 2 of the kids developed serious food allergies which has been linked to over - sanitizing and taking antibiotics too often. Doesn't anyone wonder why so many kids have food allergies today compared to 20 years ago?
ReplyDeleteYes, a very, very, large majority of us "germaphobes" do, indeed, have OCD. What you are doing is just mean. You are making fun of a mental disorder. Its essentially like making fun of people with autism. Putting toilet paper on the seat isn't because us germaphobes think we are higher than others. It's not because we are afraid what people do with their thighs. But it's because we have to. It is LITERALLY(yes, you heard me, LITERALLY) they way our brains work. Its not really a choice. You don't go up to autistic people and say "why are you acting so dumb" and then write a blog post shitting on autistic people. You don't say to people who are addicted to drugs "hmm: drugs are bad just stop", because its not that simple. I know that that last example wasn't very good but the point is that it is part of our brains to just put paper on the seat. However, I agree with you that the small percentage of "germaphobes" who do not have OCD or a similar mental disorder, are needlessly making a big fuss.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this, OP. Germaphobes are the most ridiculous people on the planet. I'm currently sitting in an internet cafe across from another regular who comes in, this thin little wirey guy has to set down napkins before he sits down and sets more napkins down on the table before he puts his laptop down. All the while he's neurotically looking around as if people are getting in his personal space. If someone caughs he nervously looks away, and before he leaves he looks around everywhere as if to make sure he's not leaving his germs. It's a fucking freak show. I want to get in his face and shake him and make him realize he's not invincible and he's going to die some day and to stop being so ridiculously neurotic about everything.
ReplyDeleteFuck all these retarded comments made by other brain-damaged morons who think they're doing their body a favor by washing their hands every 5 minutes and making everyone else feel uncomfortable being around them.
So people are "snobby" for not wanting people to cough, sneeze, or expel other bodily fluids on them, for not wanting to sit directly on public toilets that hundreds or thousands of other people have sat on, peed on, threw up on, or crapped on. Yup, I'm certified snob. I'm so wrong for not wanting to eat waste or sit in it. I'm awful for washing my hands after I touch my own. I would not be offended if someone told me they didn't want my spit or something on them because I can't say i'd blame them. If you want people to cough/sneeze/spit on you, have at it. I don't. I can understand being annoyed by people who are delusional and think they can avoid germs completely, yeah that's kinda silly. But for those of us who wash our hands after using the restroom, sneezing, blowing our nose, touching the garbage, etc. There is nothing wrong with minimizing germs, if possible. Get real. For example my sister is unsanitary as they come. But I still am around her, I still hug her, etc. But after coming into contact with her and her coming into contact with my things I clean myself and them. She scoffs when I ask her to wash her hands after digging in her nose. I don't understand how people can get offended that you don't want to swap germs purposely. Especially mucuous and other bodily waste. If I don't want my own germs going back into my body, why would I want other people's? Do I think I'm better than myself too? Lmao.
ReplyDeleteUs filthy pigs will probably live longer because we won't die of a heart attack worrying about stuff that no one can control and frankly, didn't think so much about years before so many Lysol commercials. Strike one for the sheeple and capitalism! And even if we do die sooner, at least we won't have died of a stress heart attack from all that paranoia and self-loathing. And I freaking HATE the white carpet shoes off bullshit. It's a FLOOR people. Get a grip.
ReplyDeleteAmen for this epic dressing down of those annoying neurotic freaks. I was on a bus and do a quick smokers cough while covering my mouth. WELL, some germaphobe looking neurotic freak shakes their head in fear. I just though "screw sitting behind this d-bag," and move to another seat.
ReplyDeleteSo I was very happy to find this blog when I googled "I hate germaphobes." What a classic example with that mother and her son's toys too! Thank you for your essay. It keeps folks like me who NEVER get sick (at 43 years old) sane.
Imagine someone wiping their ass after taking a shit, and the only thing separating their asshole and their hand is a little bit of toilet paper. Do you really think their hand is sanitary then? Absolutely not. Then, they go to flush the toilet with their unsanitary hand, and touch the handle. The handle is now contaminated with their shitty asshole germs. Then then go to wash their hands, and touch the handles to the sink. Now they are also contaminated. It's just logic and facts. I am a germaphobe, and I can safely say in confidence, that whoever posted this, is completely wrong and overly dramatic. Like seriously, boohoo. Some people are cleaner than others. Get over it.
ReplyDelete