Things I Hate #357983: Throats

What a weird thing to hate, you might be saying to yourself out loud, at your job, because you have nothing else to do but read my sad sad little bloggy on a Tuesday morn. But I hate throats and all things associated with them, minus their part in eating and speaking. Here is why:

1. I hate when people clear their throats, pretty much more than anything. I hate when men do it and it's this loud, open-mouthed roar, almost a territorial noise. Or the noise of people clearing their throats but you don't hear any mucus shifting and it just sounds like the throat is getting more irritated. Like a nervous throat clear. That's not to say I don't cringe at hearing a much-needed throat clear, when phlegm shakes up somethin' fierce. I hate when people snarf up their snot instead of blowing their nose (in a room with tissue boxes a'plenty!), then immediately have to clear their throat when the snot drips down. Thanks gravity. I hate when people do it so loud it interrupts a conversation. I mean, how is it NOT considered rude to clear your throat at a maximum decibel level in the middle of a lecture, disrupting the professor, or during a test, breaking peoples' concentration? (I'm not saying don't do it if you feel the urgent need, but didn't parents ever teach their kids to accomplish necessary bodily functions discreetly? At least the voluntary ones- I'm a loud sneezer and as much as I've tried, I can't change that) I am not perfect; I too sometimes need to clear my throat. But first I try to swallow the scratchiness away, or drink water to clear things up, to avoid causing a disturbance/drawing attention to myself. If that doesn't work, a quiet and swift "mm MM"* will do the trick. There is NO NEED to "EEUUUUEEEUHH" so loudly I actually jump up in alarm.

2. I think the marker of old age is the complaint of something "caught in my throat." Seriously, spend 20 minutes with a person over 70 and you'll hear them reference their venus fly trap of a throat at least once. I highly doubt the esophagus constricts and declines in function over time, like bladder control or gum health, making swallowing a game of chance. Do the elderly just walk around coal mines with their mouths agape? Oh, and just for kicks, February's meeting of I'm A Proud Ageist will meet at 4:30 pm at Denny's tomorrow.

3. It drives me nuts when people have a cough or sore throat and hence vigorously rub the front of their necks. That is your larynx. Your voice box. But really it makes me cringe because a) I HATE the way that area feels, it actually makes me nauseated to think about it and b) I have a huge and slightly ridiculous fear of someone rubbing their throat and knocking their neck junk out of place then having it pop out all weird under the neck skin. Yep. I said it. Almost as irrational as my fear of Ronald McDonald watching me sleep if I don't have the covers over my head.

4. Somewhat unrelated, but I have pretty much come to the decision that spitters are the scum of the earth. When did anyone ever get the impression that it's appropriate to just expectorate on the sidewalk when one feels like it? HOW MUCH EXCESS SALIVA DO YOU HAVE? But the worst, WORST, is when I hear someone hock up a huge wad of it, THEN spit. TWO heinous noises combining to form Allie's Worst Auditory Nightmare (coming to theaters February 12, sneak previews this Wednesday). But beyond the fact that I'm incredibly sensitive to bodily function sounds, it's just unsanitary! You are spewing your germs! It's like when you cough and sneeze you (in a perfect world) cover your mouth to avoid getting your germs in the air, then there are people just spitting theirs out freely. There's a guy who takes the train with my on Thursdays, and I've seen him park his car at the station, which means he has a Manor sticker, which means he lives in an affluent area. Which implies he has a fairly good job, which would potentially imply being educated and possessing enough social graces to climb the corporate ladder. And he spits. CONSTANTLY. Onto the train platform, apparently HIS personal train platform. Usually I see young guys spitting, but he's a well-dressed middle-aged man and GAH I just hate it.

Ok, that's enough I guess. I'll be waiting by the door for the padded truck to come get me and take me to my Cave of Seclusion, where I will live out the rest of my life alone and in peace.

*Rachel Green on Friends has the perfect throat clear. It's succinct, volume-appropriate and never misused (ie only happens before she's about to talk. Then again, Friends isn't known for its scenes of all the gang quietly reading together in a group at the library.)