Eyeball jigga what?

I'm good at a few things in life: babysitting, lying, never getting a speeding ticket, folding towels...but there's one thing I'll never be able to do: "Eyeball."

When a recipe tells me to chop something in 1/2 inch slices, I'm likely to get out a ruler. Because I can't just eyeball things and trust it'll be right! My 1/2-inch chunks will much more likely resemble 3-inch rhombuses (rhombi?) or 1/8-millimeter slivers of slices than the ideal chunk. It's like the episode of Full House where Aunt Becky and Michelle are making a family-secret meat dish, and the recipe calls for a smidgeon of something. Neither of them knows what is is (seriously though, Aunt Becky? She was 8, she had an excuse...) so Aunt Becky goes, "I guess...like the size of a pigeon?" And that is how I, too, cook and live my life.

Seriously, at my old job my editor was giving me a quick tutorial in how to mail out our monthly statements, and a big part of this tutorial was teaching me how to fold everything to get it correctly in the envelope. Some had multiple invoices, ok, and we had those envelopes with very specific locations of the clear window so everything had to be folded right, OK?! Anyway, I was making my neat tri-fold and Jessica said, "eh, go about half an inch higher" and it was literally like she had asked me to diffuse a nuclear bomb in just 30 seconds or all of San Diego would be destroyed. I tried to casually glance at the flat surface between my finger joints, because isn't that an inch? And then cut that distance in half, all the while stalling by making really idiotic jokes about paper cuts and I'm sure at this point she's wondering if hiring me was a crucial mistake because seriously WHO CANNOT ESTIMATE HALF AN INCH?!

Me. That is who. Anyway, all this talk about eyeballing makes me giggle as it's now starting to sound like a sex act. "Oh yeah, she eyeballed me. I got eyeballed. It was hot." Commenter with the best description of what eyeballing would mean in a sexual context gets a bag of almond M&Ms. Go to it Maddie.