Gosselin MANIA!

So lately I’ve been wondering: How can I, too, make money off the Gosselin children? I’m way ahead of all y’all posers who didn’t know a damn thing about the family until two weeks ago. I’ve been a faithful Gosselinite since Kate had a forward-facing, if frumpy, dark brown hairstyle and Jon seemed like he wasn’t constantly contemplating various methods of suicide. In fact, one of my 2008 resolutions was to stop watching so many Jon and Kate+8 marathons. So I was thinking maybe I could host some contests to rake in the (organic, of course, right Kate?) dough:

1. Kid Trivia. Sample question: What are the sextuplet girls’ middle names, and why? (Hope, Joy, Faith- it’s religious). Simple, yes, but it separates the men from the boys. Or the pedophiles from the non-pedophiles. Your pick. $25 entrance fee.

2. “Who’s Got the Look?” Kate Gosselin hair lookalike contest. Or, differently, who can chop some sad passerby into a Kate haircut the most efficiently, with child-safe scissors, in UNDER 60 SECONDS!

3. “You Said it, Not Me!” A hilarious, off-color, totally politically incorrect game show where the contestants make up the questions (creativity wins!), and the audience ponders the answers in a hilarious, elitist debate. No one’s a winner- just like the Gosselins! Sample: Which of the kids is most likely to suffer the brain-damaging effects of being stuffed into an insufficiently-sized womb for 9 months with five other fetuses fighting for their lives? How will it be manifested? Answer: Collin, autism. Laugh track flicks on, studio audience shouts, “You Said it, Not Me!” and theme music blares.

Total. Moneymaker. I'll be rich by November sweeps.