When it comes to reality TV, Wife Swap will always suck me in, and I will be sucked with pleasure (err?). I will always devote the hour, obligations be damned. Sorry I missed your party, Stacy, I had to see the REAL LIFE STORIES on the most predictable show on TV. But judge all you want, it’s the best ‘unscripted’ television around. I wonder what the audition forms are like. Do you check a box that best describes your family? Are the options: Traditional (God fearing, Mom stays at home), Hippie/New Age (we recycle and the kids obvi don’t watch TV), Modern (Mom works), Country/Hick (double points if involving farm animals), City Slicka (double points if involving small spaces, spoiled kids and interacting with the friendly neighborhood hobo, Kenneth), Kid-Centered (and our marriage is failing as a result), Wasteful (and we don’CARE!), Lazy (usually fat, but not always), Team Family (!!go team go! Double points if a matching shirt is involved), Fat (I usually change the channel in this case, so I don’t really know…) or Black*? I rarely see a situation that breaks that mold. But these Top 5 reasons are what keep me coming back for the Wife Swap Time Suck…
1) The awkward children. From the uncomfortable hugs and stutters of “hi, nice to meet you” when New Mom comes in, to the forced, overzealous (“America is watching, Tommy!!!”) embraces at show’s end, they make the story complete. I have to wonder how this affects their psyches, though. I mean, imagine this first day of school scenario: “On my summer vacation, we really needed money so Mommy left and Daddy got a new wife and we got a new Mommy and there were lots and lots of cameras and now we have money again!” does not an A+ presentation make.
2) The scripted confrontations: “But. You. Are. So. Demeaning. Towards. Your. Wife. How. Does. She. Put. Up. With. It. Bruce?”
3) The unscripted confrontations that somehow make the cut: “OMGODURKIDDIGMEGETMEOUTOFHEEEERE.” I’m always waiting for the racial slur or blurting of “white trash,” but I’m not holding my breath.
4) The open-ended questions I’m left with. Are they allowed to talk to their real mom on the phone while she’s gone? I mean, what if a daughter gets her period- shouldn’t Real Mom know right away? How do they explain to the mother’s employer that some new, unskilled, probs uneducated replacement is coming in for two weeks? Does that count as her vacation days?
5) You can’t. Turn. Away. Thanks to the previews right before the commercial break, that is, where they show a huge fight and the scream of “But I’m NEVER going to do what you say EVER!” What will happen when the rules change? What about the turning point where, after just one change has been made by New Mom, the entire family concedes, sees the error of their ways and vows to change their life forever? Usually this happens around minute 39, but one time not until minute 47ish and I was glued to my chair, barely breathing. And of course, the faceoff- will insults fly? Will shit hit the fan? WILL THE AVOWED CHANGES STICK!?!
But a big beef I have is when New Mom changes the rules and it poorly affects the kids, like Lazy Fatass New Mom who said NO SPORTS! The son cried because he missed his Little League tournament. Who is she helping? And since I’m also a social elitist, it killed me when Lazy Fatass New Mom was flabbergasted that the New Husband cooked and helped his wife with cleaning, and that the children had chores, so she made them all sit and watch TV while she served them. Seriously, WHO THE F IS THIS HELPING?? In my version of Wife Swap, the mom who clearly has her shit together (a husband who helps? Kids who have responsibility?! Way to go!) goes to the other house, changes their lazy fatass ways, while the Lazy Fatass New Mom goes to the new house and gets accosted with a frying pan fulla venomous snakes and reality. Just make sure it’s cast iron.
*The black family is never diametrically opposed to the other family. They are just black. Let the fun begin!
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