The Art of 'Making it Rain'

There is a moment where you realize exactly what it is you want to do with the rest of your life. For many, that moment never occurs (shoutout to YOU, 45-year-old woman in my grad school class with 3 other masters degrees). For some, it occurs 9 times per year (shoutout to...me). Anyway, this time it's for real, I've totally figured it out: When I grow up I want to be a philanthropist.
Easier said that done. You can't just 'become' a philanthropist. It's your family business. Or you're lucky enough to marry into wealth so severe it has its own zip code, just like yo momma, and you easily fall into this role. It's not like there's a school or anything to learn how to become a philanthropist...UNTIL NOW!
Let me introduce my idea for higher education. Philanthropy University, adorably nicknamed "Phil U," is a one- or two-year program. The first year is optional and for those who really have no means of making enough money themselves to ever give away, so need to marry into it. Degree candidates (both men and women are admitted, although I assume the male/female ratio would somewhat resemble Sarah Lawrence...or Wellesley) take classes to better equip themselves to attract a monied mate. Classes in fitness and nutrition, flirting etiquette, ridiculouly in-depth current events tests to force candidates to read 5 daily papers cover to cover each day. A philanthropist's wife or husband needs to be incredibly informed on the ways of the world. Like duh. To the max. And stuff.
An 'accelerated' program would do year 1 in six months and would clearly include stereotypical sorority-style weigh-ins and fat circles to increase motivation.
The second year is your basic "How To Spend All This Dough" tutorial, where the monied elite who just need to know what to do with that $36 million inheritance and the students in the introductory course meet up to learn as one. And make brilliant matches, of course. (Note: Secure funding for traditional Jewish matchmaker in shawl.) Courses run the gamut from how to conduct an interview with someone requesting your funds to learning how to master tax write-offs to practicing kind ways of saying no to writers of grand proposals. Men will receive a special mini-course on how to not awkwardly pose for society photos. Your graduation gift is a book of about 10,000 checks, just to get you through your first fiscal year of donating. On the inside is a quick reference sheet of commonly used numbers, like the development offices at the symphony, local charter schools and Camp Mariah.
Obviously, as the point is to acquire capital to give away, the school is free of charge to those attending the two-year sequence. Hence the ridiculous admission standards- multiple interviews in purposely awkward situations to assess poise and grace under pressure, 10 essays on your top local charitable foundations and why they need our help, professional head shots, perhaps a video from a reality tv audition, and 3 recommendations from people who aren't related to you or named Amber or Crystal. Because only THE most promising candidates can get in. Oh, and upon enrollment you must agree to donate 2% of your yearly philanthropic budget after graduation to the school to keep it afloat. Minor details.
Can't decide what the mascot should be. A man in a suit named Phil? A large, walking stack of dancing $1,000 bills? All I know is this: it WILL be played by either Cecily or Taylor Pomeranz, and this school would have the world's hottest cheerleaders.