You Could Read Braille Off My Forehead Right Now

Yup, I've got a serious case of stress-induced eighth grade acne going on. But that is not what I'd like to share this glorious evening.

I am the awkwardest, awkwardest person ever when relating to "adults": I put it in quotes because the woman in question, mom of the boys I babysit for, is approx. 6 years my senior. Anyway, for some odd reason I'm desperate for her to think I'm cool. We talk a lot since she's home pretty much the whole time (did I mention I constantly feel guilty for essentially robbing this woman, AND eating all her chocolate cream-filled Piroutte cookies and organic fair trade unsalted dry roasted almonds?), but so far I'm pretty sure she thinks of me as "Babbling Anorexic Who's Good With Kids." Why? Because I constantly say things I shouldn't say to a woman who is technically my employer, then backtrack. Example: "When I took Henry to Kingsland park I was telling him about all my crazy, great high school times down there...UHH I MEAN not doing anything bad PLEASE I was totally designated driver all the time uh huh and stuff." But the real topper on this cake of awkwardness came last Thursday, when, upon scarfing down my cottage cheese/pineapple duo around 5pm (and planning on dinner at 8 with mom and NBC Thursday night, God my life is sad) and thus refusing her offer of more food, she had THE NERVE to call me a light eater. Are you kidding? My nickname in middle school was Bagel Destroyer, which evolved into Destroyer of All Food in high school. This is not a lie. In college I would put myself in a sad mood in order to have feelings to eat. I am a light eater only if that involves binge eating light foods, and I've been known to go to town on a bag of marshmallows or a can of Reddi Whip or...construction paper. Anyway, so I chuckle like 'I beg to differ, madam' and she goes, "Oh yeah? What do you pig out on?" And what's the first thing I think of to say? "Last night I ate like, a whole bunch of grapes." Commence forehead slap (hmm...is this where the pimples come from?). A BUNCH OF GRAPES, ALLISON? What happened, did you somehow block out that VAT of spinach dip or the fact that at this point you pretty much consume hummus with a soup spoon at 11:30pm nightly or that cute incident last week with the Banana Nut Cheerios...box? Hows about the party two weeks ago where Stacy became your bitch after you consumed an entire bag of her pita chips? Yeah, TAKE it Stacy. Anyway, point understood yet?
So she snorts and walks out of the room, and now not only have I lied to her, and, let's be honest, myself, but she thinks I'm creepy ano-tastic and wont be my friend anymo and probs thinks I'm starving her child. Super.