My fingers smell like bacon, and this is pretty much the highlight of my week.

I'm pretty sure that People.com is a joke right now, and that I'm going to turn around and the entire cast of Full House will pop out and be like "haha, got you!" Except I'm not Joey Gladstone, I haven't been effing with everyone in the pre-April Fool's day spirit, and nowhere on People.com does it say "Joke on Joey."

1) "Ellen DeGeneres replacing Paula Abdul on 'Idol'." Intriguing, but not believable, as, for as far as I knew, Ellen has no vocal experience (I mean at least PAbds was in the 'industry') and, more importantly, would sooner marry Hugh Heffner than be an 'Idol' judge.
2) "Katherine Heigl and husband adopting a baby from Korea." Nice. Adorable. But unexpected. Didn't she JUST last year say they weren't ready for a family? Gahh.
3) Nicole Ritchie just gave birth to a boy named Sparrow. I mean...no. In no way can I even touch this.

It's like I stepped into an alternate universe of interesting crap. And now I'm laughing, imagining an actual alternate universe where poo is colorful and in fun shapes, like polka dot half moons.