I Hate Having Arms

...and other reasons why I am a terrible, terrible, awkward dancer. I'm serious, if you want to put the fear of God in me, pull me out onto the dance floor at a bar without my having downed an Igloo cooler fulla Long Islands. I've been known to yank a friend's arm out of its socket to pull myself back to the bar stool/booth/1.4 inches of personal space I've been occupying until they get that I'm 100% serious. I'm not just being cute and cuddly and modest like "oh, no thanks, I'd rather watch." I'm simply avoiding what I consider one of the 5 worst experiences to have. I'm the "cold, bitchy" girl guys go back to their friends to talk shit about because I wont dance, and yes, it's probably because they're creepy and guido, but more importantly, it's because I am physically incapable of dancing.

First off, I'm decent with my hips. I can get a sort of quasi-sexual (PS Research methods prof pronounces it "quazzy" as in rhymes with jazzy as in is she retarted? As in should I forcibly remove her PhD? Precisely) and humpity hump slow gyrationy, but it's all downhill from there. What does one do with arms whilst gyrating? The raking back of hair move gets played out really fast. Arms straight out in front is really 1998 (don't know what I mean find a 98 Degrees video), and arms sort of bent to the side looks like you're about to start snapping at the Mom n Pop Milkshake Stand c. 1953.

But let's not forget what's below my pleasantly gyrating hip flexors. I have absolutely no idea how to work or position my knees. I sort of awkwardly bend them to the beat, and by awkwardly I mean, imagine standing straight and having someone hit you in the back of your legs with a metal pipe. You'd sort of jerk into a bent knee position, no? Well somebody call 911 because that's how this shorty is burning on the dance floor. A whoa ohhh. Oh.

I also can't help it but to two-step my way at da club. I could have a pep talk beforehand: "Allison, seriously now, this is a popular place with popular music, PLEASE do not step-touch your way through Sean Paul or tap your feet and ball-change the weight on your heels while standing and nodding your head like yeah." And let's not forget that I've been known to totally let loose and clap to the beat. Kudos to Joe for a) being an equally heinous specimen of human movement on the dance floor and b) not letting me die single.

Let's not forget chair dancing. It's really where I shine. Alternating shoulder bops with the occasional snap. Charming.

Ok, so we have gyrating hips, arms with no real purpose in life except to flail aimlessly, buckling bouncing knees, toes a'tappin to the rhythm, outstanding chair dancing that pretty much makes you want to pour a bucket of water on me and watch me strike a pose a la Flashdance and...The Oscillator. This is my signature move. It's a fascinating and might I say difficult combination of the buckling/bounce knees, awkward "are people watching me?" look, arms that can't find the meaning in life and the occasional snap or clap to the fly beat with a slow, steady 180 degree oscillation from my hips. My legs never move. I am, in effect, an oscillating fan of awkwardness on the dance floor.

So if you ever say "let's go dancing after dinner!" or "God, I'd love to go to a club this weekend!" and I suddenly come down with herpes, polio or the croup, now you know what's really up.